What if couch potatoes were drifters who became entranced by television shows?

What if pleasure and pain didn’t exist, but everyone wanted bananas?

What if mangoes were made from French fries that had rotted in McDonald’s dumpsters?

What if loving another person only caused pain for the person loving and the person being loved?

What if everyone believed breathing was a sign of cowardice?

What if being born poor was the only way anyone could become rich?

What if flies held the secrets to immortality but could only communicate with humans in pairs while each rested in nostrils for thirty seconds? Would we ever know? Has it ever happened, two flies simultaneously resting for thirty seconds in a person’s nostrils? Ever? Throughout the history of homo sapiens sapiens?

What if marshmallows were the only source of nutrition?

What if fire was a hoax?

What if piousness was considered hedonism and walruses ate only underwear?

What if watching one hundred minor league baseball games was the only way to achieve enlightenment, but no one knew it until it happened and they weren’t allowed to tell the rest of us?

What if rugby was a religion instead of a sport?

What if the only true religion was determined each year through a Texas hold’em poker tournament?

What if wearing a robe was the only way to determine whether or not a person was lying?

What if only mothers and fathers could be a person’s girlfriend or boyfriend?

What if “Jones” was the only last name that existed?

What if Santa Claus was a termite?

What if parrots had the sentience of humans and humans had the sentience of mice? Would there have been a Bronze Age?

What if Obama’s first name had been Doofus?

What if Alexander had been known as the Mediocre?

What if Mao Zedong had been a poet instead of a dictator?

What if Adam Smith had written a cookbook instead of The Wealth of Nations?

What if Google searches always came up with a list of sites related to root beer floats?

What if massive quantities of bees were required to build microchips?

What if proximity to an anthill was the only place where humans could think?

What if acne was considered the only source of beauty?

What if gerbils replaced dollars as U.S. currency?

What if Africa was transported to one of the moons of Jupiter and an earthlike atmosphere developed instantaneously when it did?

What if oceans and land masses switched places and the Pacific became a continent while North America became an ocean?

What if Japan was a verb?

What if evil was idyllic?

What if China developed Weapons of Mass Hilarity?

What if Mexico existed only as a watermark?

What if bee stings were the only source of pleasure?

What if giants are sleeping under glaciers on Greenland and will wake up as the snow and ice melts over the next century?

What if rabbits around the world grew to the size of Manhattan and became marble statues?

What if sexuality was reduced to eating apples?

What if virgins weren’t?

What if Senegal became a sea overnight?

What if Argentina had never provided amnesty to Nazis?

What if Israel was a Caribbean island?

What if the Grateful Dead had been named the Grubby Frumpers?

What if music was something you could taste?

What if horses owned donkeys as slaves?

What if no human had ever noticed the sun?

What if moonlight was a source of electricity?

What if cow manure was a girl’s best friend?

What if diamonds hardened into coal?

What if shit was something to be admired?

What if cats could only mate with mice?

What if watching horror movies was necessary for defecating?

What if whales had four legs and lived in deserts eating cactus?

What if jaguars could communicate telepathically with sharks, but sharks didn’t have a way to respond?

What if women only gave birth to adults?

What if the number six didn’t exist?

What if alphabetical letters were distinguished only by scent?

What if every person’s beliefs were untrue? What if the opposite of what every person believed was true? What if the truth was specific to each person and was always the opposite of what each person believed? What if a person believed that gravity existed and therefore it didn’t and if that person changed his or her mind to believe gravity existed then it didn’t? What if you believed you saw a tree but because you believed you did … you didn’t … and when you believed you didn’t see a tree that, therefore, you did? What if the exact opposite of everything you believed was the truth no matter what you believed at any time? What if you believed you were always wrong and, because of that, you were always right? This, more than any other belief that anyone has ever believed, is dada.